Im just sitting here wondering about alot of things.. I’m lyk in one of cross-roads where i have to decide which of it all is best for me.. which of it would make me happy. But, I’ve never been so happier than this..–
… i remember 8 years ago, i was 15 back then. its like being out of an invisible shell. It was lonely, i was very curious, and i have that dire need toLove and be Loved. It was dark, sad, and pitiful ..
.. i was lyk a newborn child, wanting to learn and go out and experience it all!.. Craziness, stupidity, curiosity.,. it felt like i was finally living Life!– I remember that got me so happy and so contended that i forgot about responsibilities and maturity.
.. for years i live in that darkness,– parties, guys,, booze, cigarettes,, u name it all — people labeled me as one certified Bad Ass Party Girl.
… back then i thought it was cool and a way of getting back to what i was holding on inside me, the pain in my heart which i had with me since i was a child..,,– all the things i did,, was honestly a good form of release..— And i was happy!…
… Well, i thought i was, until the sense of responsibility creeped inside me and i began to realize that Life wasn’t all about parties and good time. i realized then that i need to have that sense of direction for me to be able to go thru my entire existence and make it meaningful and great!..
… I was in desperate need of Love and direction. Was into a few relationships, some wonderful, and a few ones a nightmare.. but, i was living! I learned, fell, and got back up again!.. none of i felt rue. I started to question whether i even knew Love at all.
… “FINALLY In Love” — with him i never felt so happy, contented and peaceful at the same time.. I even forgot the meaning of EMPTINESS, SADNESS, and FEAR.
… because i know that he loves me, and the same way i do strongly for him. . . it wasn’t because of the way we make love and being naked and go foolish together, but because we learned to grow together, mature, and experience the real meaning of Life and Love together.
… I wonder how long will this happiness last when we don’t know what the future holds and when everything is uncertain. “Daghan pa mahitabo, wala ta kabalo” as he says.. its not like me asking for a long term commitment(hell no!),.. but then i realize he’s right. We cannot simply magic our way to how we want forever to be, but we have to dance to the music.. make sacrifices and choices simultaneously all at one time.
… uhhhh,, i realize life indeed is so difficult, and that it is indeed a battle between good and bad decisions, right and wrong,,..
… how long will this happiness last, how long will we stay together,.? will forever end?… or will Forever definitely last a lifetime?..
… who knows?.. *sighs* coz i I CERTAINLY DON’T,, .. i just tell myself to sway with the tune, and take it a step at a time.